


Top Nine Annoying Things About Being A Batman Villain

by SmartCoffee



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DC Animated Universe (Timmverse), DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Activism, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chemical Weapons, Comfort Food, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Ecology, Fashion & Couture, Gambling, Gen, Ice Cream, Mens fashion, Mental Hospital, Onions, Pop Psychology, Sanitation, Smoking, Tacos, Unhealthy Relationships, University, Unrequited Lust, Whiskey & Scotch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25719850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmartCoffee/pseuds/SmartCoffee
Summary: The Joker, The Riddler, Catwoman, The Penguin, Mister Freeze. What makes them tick? What drives them crazy?
Relationships: Diana (Wonder Woman)/Bruce Wayne, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 50
Kudos: 152





	1. Poison Ivy

Top Nine Annoying Things About Being A Batman Villain

Poison Ivy

9.Two-Face is so annoying with his useless coin-flipping and his talking to himself. My dude, you have dissociative identity disorder - get some therapy.

8.Killer Croc’s breath stinks like sardines and wet newspapers.

7.No one should lump me in with The Joker and The Penguin. I'm an ecological freedom fighter.

6.Harley has a fat ass. Actually that might go in a different list.

5.Plants never talk.

4.Obviously I am passionate about being a vegan but here's my secret: on the 17th of every month, I have one slice of cheese pizza.

3.It's really hard to find someone to fix a custom-made costume on short notice.

2.I worked my ass off to get a Ph.D in botany and NOBODY cares.

1.Batman has the WORST taste. I'm hotter than both Wonder Woman and Catwoman!


	2. Bane

9\. Everyone asks me to break somebody’s back. There’s a difference between being good at something and WANTING to do it.

8\. Harley never answers my DMs.

7\. The other villains believe antiquated, colonialist stereotypes about Latinos.

6\. Everybody hates Delta Airlines but imagine how much you’d hate them if you weighed 400 pounds.

5\. I can’t get fresh guavas in Gotham.

4\. Growing tulips is my hobby but most people don’t believe me when I tell them. I’m not a meathead. 

3\. I miss going to confession but I’ve done a few things that would be hard to explain.

2\. Because of my voice modifications, when I order at the Drive-Thru Starbucks, they think I want a “brick copy” instead of a “black coffee.” 

1\. Steroids have some quite unpleasant side effects .


	3. Two-Face

Two-Face

9\. Poison Ivy is a hot redhead, on the other hand, she’s too self-righteous.

8\. I hate wearing masks, on the other hand, they do prevent infection.

7\. I like the red in Harley’s costume, but I don’t like the black.

6\. Penguin has an amazing affinity with birds, on the other hand, his smoking is annoying.

5\. Gotham has terrible weather, on the other hand, it would be much more crowded with better weather.

4\. I love casinos but slot machines are dumb because they don't require strategy.

3\. Batman has kicked my ass but he’s still a good friend.

2\. The Riddler and I have great conversations about paradoxes but we’re rarely at Arkham at the same time.

1\. I love tacos.


	4. Catwoman

Catwoman

9\. I can't steal diamonds anymore because millennials killed the diamond market.

8\. You know when you use a restroom, you just take off your pants? That doesn't work for a catsuit.

7\. Sometimes I accidentally use the kitty-voice when I'm on the phone with Blue Cross. Super embarrassing.

6\. I keep a lot of milk in my apartment for cats but I'm lactose-intolerant.

5\. You might think I would make a great date, but dating is hard for me. I can't talk about myself, my schedule is crazy, and I attract a very strange type of guy.

4\. The orange goggles fog up like crazy.

3\. Parts of Gotham literally stink. It's a garbage dump with skyscrapers.

2\. I've never had a good relationship with Batman's wards. I guess they see me as a wicked stepmother.

1\. My perfect guy would be sophisticated, a good cook, and very discreet. Ohmigod, I think I want to be with Alfred.


	5. Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot

9\. Many of the villains in this Rogue’s Gallery are degenerates and illiterates.   
  


8\. Gotham City used to be an elegant urban center and now it is a sewer overflowing with filth.   
  


7\. I hate tall kitchen cabinets.   
  
6\. The one villainess that could match my intellect is Dr. Pamela Isley. That celestial being with radiant red tresses makes my heart sing. Sadly, this is an unrequited love.   
  


5\. i must admit that cleaning up feathers is quite a chore.   
  


4\. Harley Quinn gets Margot Robbie. Ra’s al-Ghul gets Liam Neeson. The Joker gets Joaquin Phoenix. And I am stuck with Danny DeVito?!   
  


3\. I wanted to have a sidekick with a bird name but Batman beat me to the punch.

2\. Batman literally beats me to the punch and it hurts.

1\. My nose has a point like a doorstop.


	6. Ra's Al-Ghul

Ra's Al-Ghul

9\. This planet is hurtling toward an imminent ecological disaster and the response has been anemic.

8\. Have you ever tried to buy a bright green cape in Libya? Amazon does not work.

7\. The League of Shadows has been letting in a bunch of entitled punks. In my day, you had to be able to survive in Siberia for 13 days on your wits alone.

6\. When one is a practically immortal bachelor, one accumulates many ex-girlfriends.

5\. Ice cream has gotten so expensive, am I right?

4\. Deforestation has excised the lungs of the planet.

3\. I considered being a Superman villain but he is quite the dunce.

2\. New laws in the European Union say I have to give my European henchmen health insurance, parental leave, and one month of vacation per year. Good grief.

1\. In the 60s, you could go to your office, chainsmoke cigarettes and have your secretary pour you a whiskey. I miss that.


	7. The Mad Hatter

9\. When people think of crazy Batman villains, they always go straight to the Joker. I'm the bloody Mad Hatter!!

  
8\. That second Alice movie with all the cgi was simply ghastly.

  
7\. Good luck finding Hobnobs in Gotham.

  
6\. I have a treasured copy of 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' on Blu-ray that I keep losing.

  
5\. The voices are telling me that coyotes are very annoying so I'm going to put that down and hopefully they'll keep mum.

  
4\. I asked Harley Quinn if she were interested in a courtship and she said, "Never in a billion years, you pale-ass geek!"

  
3\. Wheat and wheat by-products annoy me because I am allergic to gluten.

  
2\. When I started in the mind control game, it took real discipline. Now Facebook and YouTube make it too easy.

  
1\. Even Mad Hatters get headaches.


	8. Scarecrow

9\. Joker stole my patent for a fear toxin but I can’t sue him without confessing to some rather substantial crimes, so I just keep quiet about it.

8\. Batgirl is my dream girl but she doesn’t even know I exist.

7\. Popular psychology literature often refers to the amygdala as the brain’s emotional center when it would be more accurate to refer to the ‘basolateral amygdala.’

6\. Remember Funyuns? Those dehydrated onion rings? I love Funyuns but they’re becoming hard to find.

5\. I’m so bored with the fear of clowns. 

4\. The fear of snakes is a fun one because snakes are easy to get and they’re not slimy like you might expect. But you do need a lot of mice if you want a lot of snakes and that’s annoying.

3\. I know my mask is awful, not even scary-awful, just cheap-looking. I’m sorry. It’s a work-in-progress.

2\. Arkham is such a joke. I can go through all their tests and make myself look exactly as sick or healthy as I want.

1\. On the phone, “fear” sounds just like “sphere.” I hate English.


	9. The Riddler

9\. If I’m so smart, why aren’t I rich?  
8\. What Gotham institution grants asylum but doesn’t make me any safer?  
7\. Who’s the Gordon without Flash that takes out crime like it was the trash?  
6\. A joke might be like a riddle but he’s not like me, not even a little.   
5\. I have a gluten sensitivity so rolls take a toll on my soul.   
4\. You wouldn’t believe the cost of hiring a henchman in Gotham.   
3\. You wear a domino mask and green tights and the world thinks you’re gay. Stupid heteronormativity!  
2\. Everyone’s trying to kill Batman but he’s the only one who can solve my riddles!  
1.There’s one riddle I can’t solve. How come at parties women go to the bathroom in groups?


	10. Killer Moth

9\. No one's heard of you since the mid-seventies.

8\. You get pelted with mothballs.

7\. You show up in the Batman video game but only as a skeleton in a cocoon.

6\. Women don't find your "Mothmobile" as exciting as the Batmobile.

5\. NPR's Moth Radio Hour won't air your witty, offbeat, and surprising story.

4\. There's never enough wool to eat.

3\. Nerds think it's so clever to tell you that while there are killer bees, there are actually no killer moths. 

2\. You build an infra-red Moth Signal so other criminals can call you but they'd rather use SMS.

1\. It's hard to explain that sticky mucus is your superpower and not a symptom of the flu.


	11. Maxie Zeus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxie Zeus is a history teacher who believes he is really the Greek god Zeus.

9\. I prefer the ancient Olympics to the modern ones and I miss the nudity.  
8\. I enjoy the company of women and even I’m afraid of the Me Too movement.   
7\. Olive oil doesn’t come out of silk or satin.   
6\. It’s hard to resist using lightning bolts on your enemies but then people call you cruel.   
5\. One state-owned corporation, DEI, produces 85.6% of energy in Greece and I worry that this virtual monopoly is retarding innovation.   
4\. Lamb is delicious but it gets stuck in the spaces between my teeth.   
3\. I suspect Wonder Woman is a lesbian, though I’m not sure about that, nevertheless I’m sure she hates me.   
2\. I’m still mad at Poseidon for inventing hurricanes.   
1, Bruce Wayne acts like he invented being a carefree playboy but I was first.


	12. Mr. Freeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complaints from the Red-Eyed Sultan of Sub-Zero

9\. I hate it when people just assume I'm a German Nazi scientist when really I'm a Dutch Democrat scientist.

8\. Joker once said, "Boy, your wife must've been frigid." For a half a second, I laughed.

7\. I miss taking naps under wool blankets.

6\. I love some Chinese restaurants but every Panda Express smells like vinegar to me.

5\. God, Poison Ivy is a bombshell. And she's a scientist. Not into me. Her exact words were, "Drop dead, you walking freezer."

4\. December is not fun for me. Imagine yesterday's low was minus 5 F and you see a guy who can make it colder.

3\. So Damien is Batman's son with Talia Al-Ghul? I thought Batman didn't do that. Was he fixed? Was it reversed?

2\. Joker's a master criminal and game recognizes game, but he makes it hard to live in Gotham. One day, all the fish look like clowns. Another day, you can't drink tap water otherwise it'll make you a maniac. Once he took over the TV airwaves and broadcast a creepy Christmas special.

1\. Batman's punches are as fierce as you'd think, if not more so. You might think that he specializes in punches. But I've been kicked by him and, no, no, he doesn't specialize in punches. 


	13. Poison Ivy 2

9\. It’s so hard to get quality worm tea. Look it up.

8\. I’m not answering any questions about my red hair.

7\. I get called a bitch quite often for things that would just be considered ambition in a man.

6\. Is there a place that sells Chinese food but only the non-greasy kind?

5\. I’m about to be canceled, aren’t I? If not for tge Chinese food line, for the bitch one.

4\. Even supervillains get bills.

3\. I’ve been cut by so many freaking thorns.

2\. Clayface punked me by pretending to be Batman . Ooh I wanna strangle him.

1\. Along with bills, supervillains pay taxes. Messing with Batman is one thing. Messing with the IRS is totally different.


	14. Harley Quinn

9\. I love tight costumes and giant doughnuts but sadly I can't have both.

8\. I paid off student loans using loot from a bank heist and I was inches from the feds being all over me.

7\. Everyone says Mistah Jay is a nutjob, but they don't get him like I do.

6\. Batman rarely shows empathy, he craves the admiration of a megacity, and he's obsessed with having total power - he's an 

infuriating narcissist.

5\. Imma cut out early because I LOVVVVVE being a Batman villain.


	15. Pollutant : A Joker Haiku

toxic waste bullets

Causing severe nausea

That’s body horror


	16. Streetwear - A Catwoman Haiku

Got sick of fetish wear

Nobody gets the goggles

So it's purely mine


	17. The Joker from The Dark Knight (film)

9\. Graph paper drives me nuts. All those squares in perfect order, again and again and again. 

8\. I don’t like carjackers. Why even be an outlaw if you have little ambition?

7\. Crazy dudes actually come up to me with pencils and ask me to do the trick. 

6\. I hate hospitals that are hard to blow up. 

5\. Bad wiring in long distance detonators

4\. I hate other anarchists. I knew one who was the vice-president of the Anarchists’ Club. 

3\. Walmart is an interesting one. On the one hand, I can go in clown makeup and no one cares. On the other hand, some places are too chaotic even for me. 

2\. I hated how easy it was to convince Harvey Dent. 

1\. People who are too serious.


	18. The Penguin from Batman Returns (film)

9\. A defunct zoo is not an ideal place to find flattering clothes.

8\. Kidnapping is such a bullshit crime. If you force someone to hide in a closet, that's technically kidnapping. 

7\. I detest Thanksgiving. You might think it has to do with turkey but actually it's because I was abandoned by my parents as a child.

6\. Fish bones.

5\. Being a gang leader is the worst. It's like running an office where everyone wants to kill you and no one finished seventh grade. 

4\. I probably don't have to tell you this, but Catwoman is such a tease.

3\. There are stun guns, penguin bombers, and gothic skyscrapers so I have no idea what year this is.

2\. Some strange part of my brain wanted to tell Catwoman about the cat I killed as a baby. Oh yeah, I remember that.

1\. Oh great, I'm an incel now? That's just dandy.


	19. Clayface (Batman: The Animated Series)

9\. I never get picked for any of the Batman movies even though I have the most acting experience. 

8\. I go deaf all of a sudden and then realize I haven’t formed any ears. 

7\. Dry weather sucks because if I scratch my skin, it doesn’t stay in place. 

6\. Even though I can technically look like anyone, some faces are still hard. Steven Tyler, for one. 

5\. Sometimes I impersonate women and while it’s physically easy, it raises all sorts of troubling existential questions. 

4\. Going from B-List actor to B-List supervillain doesn’t feel like progress. 

3\. Poison Ivy gives me holier-than-thou lectures about how I let chemicals ruin my life. 

2\. Knowing that I’m the third of Batman’s foes to be transformed by toxic waste, after Joker and Two-Face, makes me feel like a schmuck. 

1\. I wrote a great script for a Suicide Squad movie but fat chance of that getting made.


	20. Penguin from Batman ‘66

9\. When I carelessly leave my cigarette holder in my pocket, I almost poked out my eye. 

8\. I hate it when I need a giant umbrella and have to rely on a cheap Chinese supplier with no sense of craftsmanship. 

7\. Cold season is rather unpleasant when your nose has its own zip code. 

6\. I hate being compared to Joker. It’s like comparing Bach to Twisted Sister. 

5\. Bowties are hella hard to tie, yo. 

4\. Teamups never work. I think they give Batman twice the clues to catch us. 

3\. Trash day in Gotham is either Monday or Friday depending on your street. Just two days! The garbage trucks take way too long. 

2\. Someday I want to work with the Cheetah. We could unite our animal powers. 

1\. Sweatpants are appalling outside of a gym. There’s no excuse why men can’t wear decent slacks.


	21. Bane from The Dark Knight Rises

9\. The power structure here is insecure. I like it.

8\. Outside, they fear me for my mask but here they are fascinated by my strangeness.

7\. Ah I see, they've kept you in bondage by plying you with milk.

6\. She says, 'Playtime is over,' but by what authority?!

5\. You have the numbers. You have the numbers.

4\. If it rains at recess, then we play in the rain!

3\. Time to go crazy.

2\. Cooties are like the Red Scare - a distraction from the real issues of class.

1\. You think cuteness is your ally, but you only adopted it. I was born in it. Formed by it.

Bane leading a revolution inside a Kindergarten class.


	22. The Riddler - (Batman Forever - Jim Carrey)

9\. Yes, I do use a rhyming dictionary but only sometimes, okay?

8\. There’s no way for me to be more menacing than Two-Face. 

7\. Gotham has so many guns and of course they’re very effective at killing and even more so at intimidating but they are completely lacking in mystery. 

6\. Don’t talk to me about roads and chickens. 

5\. Another villain cooked for me and I got food poisoning. It wasn’t Poison Ivy. 

4\. A sort of crooked but very talented mechanic said he could make me a custom Riddlermobile. But I don’t have 1.3 million dollars. 

3\. I think I could work for Google. Maybe I’ll try that after I finish at this. 

2\. I hate it when Robin kicks at me. I'm a maniac but I’m not a child abuser. 

1\. Gotham tourists are getting crazier. I saw one on a rented bike, holding a longjohn in one hand, texting with the other hand and steering with her elbows.


End file.
